Have you ever been faced with a tough task, life transition or struggle where you pushed through, on our own and made it out on the other end? We all have, and we often count those moments of hard work and resiliency as some of our best moments. Moments when we triumphed over struggle.
But what about those times when you were facing a struggle and you pushed through on our own and you “tough it out” coming out with more damage on the other end? How could that outcome had been different if you would have asked for help? Could asking for help have avoided such a hard struggle overall? Could asking for help have avoided the damage done? The physical or mental exhaustion? Sleepless nights? High stress or anxiety? Feelings of sadness or depression? The heaviness that comes with struggle?
Why is asking for help so hard? Has society sent a message to help others, but not to ask for help ourselves? Did our parents encourage us to push through and get the job done no matter what? Do we believe that asking for help makes us too vulnerable, look weak or too needy? Has the message to “be independent” been pushed to the forefront of our consciousness.
Asking for help is a strength. It builds confidence. It demonstrates resourcefulness. The ability to be vulnerable enough to say, “I’m struggling” is a superpower. It shows others that it’s okay to ask for help and works to build a culture of collaboration, confidence, and empowerment. We do not have to carry our struggle alone, all by ourselves.
I challenge you to ask for help. Ask your friend to help you with the kids. Ask your boss for more clarification. Ask your partner to make dinner. Ask to see a counselor or therapist. Ask for a day off. Ask to talk to a friend. Ask for advise from a colleague. Ask your doctor for more options. Ask about the resources in your community.
Don’t hold it all, when you could easily have someone help carry the burden with you. Lighten your load and ask for help. Give others a chance to show they care. Because they do.
The connection between animals and mental health is hard to ignore. Research studies continue to confirm that having a pet or interacting with animals has multiple mental health benefits that can both relieve and prevent mental health issues.
If you have ever been a pet owner, I’m sure you can confirm that having a furry friend to come home to provides much needed companionship. Companionship that can combat feelings of loneliness and provide a much needed greeting after a long day.
Having a pet is also proven to decrease anxiety and depression. Interactions with pets have shown to lower stress related hormones such as cortisol, while at the same time increasing mood boosters like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin. These are hormones that not only make us feel happy, but also help us to relax and lower stress levels.
Providing care for an animal can also establish a routine and schedule which can sometimes be lacking when we are experiencing symptoms of depression. As well, having a pet can increase the likelihood of regular physical activity and the opportunity to go outside, such as playing with or walking a dog. Exercise and fresh air have also proven to decrease symptoms related to anxiety and depression.
As well, hyperactive children or children who experience aggression have shown to lessen troublesome symptoms and behaviors when animals are involved either at home or as part of a treatment plan with their school or mental health provider. Providing care for animals also provides a sense of responsibility and of being needed. Which have both shown to combat problem behaviors in children and reduce anxiety.
If having a pet is not for you, there are other options to incorporate animal interactions into your life.
Volunteering at your local animal shelter is a great way to give back and provide care for animals who are waiting for their forever homes. Getting children involved is also a great introduction to animals and serving their community.
Participating in or volunteering for programs that offer equine assisted therapy also provide a way to give back and interact with animals. Equine assisted therapy includes therapeutic interactions with horses in a controlled environment which may include therapeutic horseback riding, grooming, feeding and ground exercises. Horses have shown to have an understanding and sensitivity to human emotions which can provide as a great option for those who are resistant to traditional talk therapy.
Contact one of the many animal shelters or equine therapy services in your area to learn how you could get involved.
I like to use symbolism and metaphors when I work with both my clients and my students. I’m sure I get an eye roll every now and then with, “Here she goes again”. But it offers an opportunity to visualize our experience of life in a way that may seem less abstract, more solid or relatable and understandable.
One analogy that I use often is the idea of rocks in our backpack. Imagine that you are wearing a backpack. This is obviously an invisible backpack, but imagine it hanging on your back. You can feel the straps coming across your arms and feel the weight at the top of your shoulders across your back lightly pulling down. Now imagine that there are rocks in the backpack. The rocks represent things that are bothering us, things that we are holding onto, things that take up space in our lives. For some of us we have small rocks, like pebbles. Rocks that represent our day to day stresses and responsibilities, the things on our to do list. Maybe there is just a handful, for some of us maybe a bucketful. Maybe some days those rocks are bigger and heavier because of some stressful event going on in our lives. Or maybe we are just having a rough day and the rocks seem just a little heavier. Can you feel the heaviness of your own backpack?
Now, imagine if those rocks were even bigger like bricks or boulders. So heavy that it makes life hard to walk through because of the shear weight of the backpack on your shoulders. These brick or boulders represent the trauma we have experienced, the pain, the resentment we are holding onto, the depression, deep anxiety or fear, maybe anger or resentment, loss or grief.
Walking through life every day with a backpack full of big rocks is hard. Sure, we could carry a heavy backpack on our shoulders for a mile, maybe a few…but to get up everyday and carry boulders on our back as we try to go to work or school, try to raise children, be present in our relationships, attempt a social life, be there for others or even take care of ourselves?
I often encourage my clients to make some decisions about the rocks. With a backpack full or rocks, holding you down, it may seem impossible to pick just one rock to focus on, but we must start somewhere. Maybe pick an easy rock first. Create a plan, take care of the rock and your backpack will be lighter. Maybe just a little lighter…but with time, one rock at a time, life will be easier to walk though when there isn’t so much weight.
Another option is to give some rocks away. Sometimes we hold so tightly on to a large rock because the thought of ever being able to tackle it feels scary and overwhelming. Or maybe we have had this large rock for so long it feels like it is forever attached. But how much lighter would your backpack be if you gave a rock away? Seek out others to hold space for you… for your rocks. This could be a family member, a friend or a counselor. Anyone who will support you, not hold judgement against you and who will validate your experience and your feelings. Maybe offering your rock to God, to nature, to the universe. Allowing someone else to hold a rock for you means some of the weight is taken away, making life a little easier to walk through.
Why don’t people go to therapy? We go to the dentist every six months for cleanings and check-ups. We go to the doctor when we are sick. We get our hair cut or our nails done as needed, or as desired to feel and look our best. We get a massage or go to the chiropractor when we are in pain. But why do so many people avoid addressing the mental or emotional needs. Why don’t people go to therapy?
After working in the mental health field for many years I can say that taking the leap and reaching out for help is the hardest part. There are many reasons that people either don’t reach out or they take a long time to finally take that leap.
I have heard many people say that they would rather talk to their friends instead of a stranger. It is so important to have someone to talk to. You should talk to your family and friends and utilize your support system. But friendship is not psychotherapy. In a therapeutic relationship you are getting support and being challenged to take a deeper look at your life, your emotions and your motivations. Through therapy you gain valuable insight into yourself and the source of your problems. Not only are therapists trained listeners, but they are also trained to work alongside you as you address those problems. Remember that therapy is confidential too. Sometimes we can’t guarantee that with friends or family.
People have also shared that they can take care of mental health issues by visiting their doctor. Yes, if necessary, your doctor can provide medication to address a diagnosed mental health issue, and they can also help you rule out any medical condition that may be contributing to your mental health. But medical doctors are not trained therapists. Therapists will listen, provide feedback, help you identify healthy coping strategies and work empathically to help you find joy in life and in your relationships.
I have also heard people say that they went to a counselor once and it just didn’t work. I always say that every therapist has a different style and approach to their work. Just because it wasn’t a good fit the first time doesn’t mean it wont work out if you try someone else. Our personal perspectives and circumstances change with time. Sometimes we are more ready for therapy than we may have been in the past.
Another excuse is time and money. For any real change you want to make, it will also take real resources. Time does not just appear; you must make the time. Making time to address your mental and emotional needs will save you time. Consider all the time spent being unhappy, time spent fighting, scared or unsure. Taking the leap means more control over your time in the long run. It’s true that therapy can sometimes be costly as well, even with insurance, but consider it an investment in yourself, in your relationships, in your well-being. You are worth it.
So, what’s holding you back from taking the leap? Ready to make an appointment? Call us at 231-714-0282 or visit www.mentalwellnesscounseling.com
Imagine your boss tells you that you need to go to a networking event. What is your first emotional response? For many people they may not want to go, but they would make it work. Some would be excited. For about 18% of the population, it would probably trigger their anxiety. According to the Anxiety and Depressions Association of America, about one out of five adults experience anxiety.
Before we dive into how to make improvements in anxiety, we should discuss what’s normal or expected and what falls outside of the average.
What is anxiety?
When someone suffers from anxiety, it impacts various areas of their life. Yes, we all experience anxiety. Maybe it’s before a speech, when we can’t find out child for a few minutes, or when a certain family member calls you. But clinical anxiety is more pronounced. I won’t go through the whole definition, but clinical anxiety is when someone is experiencing anxiety more often than they are not. This is usually for more than six months. They also might find it difficult to control. Also, they may have symptoms of restlessness, fatigue, irritability, or difficulty sleeping.
Research shows us that here are some things that can help anyone with anxiety reduce their symptoms: sleep hygiene, mindfulness, and exercise.
Sleep Matters with Anxiety
An overwhelming body of research shows that our modern life is hurting our sleep. We look at screens before bed, don’t turn off lights, or think about making our bedroom ideal for sleep. When your anxiety is beyond what you’d like, sleep is often the first place to evaluate. Try reducing your house temperature to trigger natural melatonin and ghelin in your brain. Darken your environment more. Reduce caffeine eight hours before bed, because the half life of caffeine is 8 hours. Also, try to stop reading and looking at your phone in bed.
Mindfulness Helps Anxiety
New research is showing that mindfulness helps reduce anxiety. Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the now. The focus is on stopping the replay of the past or worrying about the future. Regular practice of meditation and mindfulness can reduce tension and create calm. This can come in a variety of forms: deep breathing, prayer, sitting quietly, and guided meditation. Also, many types of yoga can help in this area. Also, activities like painting or even cleaning can be mindful activities if you focus on the task at hand.
Exercise Helps Anxiety
When most people think of exercise, they think of a regular workout or taking massive time out of their week. Instead, it can be a micro-step toward that goal. Maybe you take the stairs instead of the elevator, park a touch farther, or walk a little faster. Any increase in activity can help.
Whether you feel pronounced anxiety or just are worried about a big speech, evaluating your sleep, increasing mindfulness, and moving a little more will help.
Joe Sanok, MA, LPC, NCC is the owner of Mental Wellness Counseling. They have openings for teens, couples, and individuals that are working through anxiety, contact them at www.MentalWellnessCounseling.com
The Mental Wellness Counseling “Meet the Counselors” series offers a deeper look into each counselor’s background, experiences, motivations, values, and philosophies. In this series, I put counselors on the couch to learn why and how they do what they do.
Survival of the Sickest
As a 21-year-old undergrad, Anndrea Terry’s life was changed forever at a pool hall. When a broken bar stool collapsed under her, Terry crashed face-first into the metal pocket of a pool table. “My top row of teeth were shattered and twisted up into my gums,” she said. “My face was so swollen that you couldn’t see my nose to my cheeks—it was like a wall.” After eight hours of oral surgery, doctors were able to save Terry’s teeth. With the looming threat of infection, however, she received twice-a-week dental examinations, five root canals, and a “laundry list” of antibiotics for one year. During this time, Terry was in “straight-up survival mode.” “All I could think was to eat, take my pills, and clean my stitches,” she said.
Nutrition…
Basic needs like sleeping and eating became taxing challenges. Since she couldn’t chew solids, Terry swallowed milkshakes, applesauce, jello, or noodles at meal times. “I still felt hungry all the time,” Terry said. “The ability to chew has a psychological aspect. I could dump liquid down my throat all day and still feel starved.” Unfortunately, her heavy diet of milkshakes, ice cream, and junk foods induced digestive issues and a dairy allergy. “My body was in shock all the time. My stomach was constantly upset and I got really sick,” she said. Terry’s dietary battle drew her attention toward proper nutrition.
Yoga…
Additionally, Terry started practicing yoga, which allowed her to process her emotional and bodily trauma. “When I was in a particular stretch, I would feel a weird sensation in my body, and then all of a sudden I was crying,” she said. “It was all the tension I had bottled up in my body. Yoga was a way to start peeling back those layers of emotion.” Terry’s yoga teacher encouraged students to express their feeling freely, something she desperately needed to do. “That was a really big moment for me,” Terry said. “People would always say ‘don’t worry, you’ll get better,’ but at that point, no one had said “just let it out, whatever needs to come out.’”
and Therapy, oh my!
While continuing yoga and meditation, Terry discovered another emotional outlet in counseling. After undergoing therapy herself, she decided to make a career of it. “My recovery inspired me to pursue counseling because I realized how powerful being able to talk to people was,” Terry said. “In the Western medical world, we generally look at particular areas of the person, but we don’t look at the whole picture. For instance, for weight loss, we prescribe a plan to cut calories and work out, but we don’t necessarily look at our relationship with food.”
Healthful Living
Just as her full recovery involved a combination of health factors—nutrition, sleep, exercise, and therapy—Terry wanted to counsel the same way. “I realized I could have approached my healing differently with everything that was encompassed with my accident,” she said. “Being mindful of the things we do in our daily lives all affect how we feel emotionally and mentally.” Terry’s “360-degree” model of wellness is based on the interconnectedness among physical, mental, and emotional health. In sessions, she not only relies on therapeutic techniques like motivational interviewing, but also yoga, meditation, and mindfulness—all while taking into consideration her clients’ diet, sleep, exercise/movement, self care, and lifestyle habits. For clients struggling with anxiety or depression, a few deep breathing exercises can reduce symptoms and “give them back a sense of control over their body.” “Mindfulness is cool that way,” Terry says. “It opens a lot more doors as opposed to necessarily always going into the deep end of the pool. In the long run, I think it gives counseling a better name because people don’t think you’re just laying on a couch for six hours a week.”
“I Live What I Love”
Terry is enthusiastic about expanding her counseling approach through more holistic practices and experiential therapy. She teaches stand up paddle board yoga/meditation in Traverse City and hopes to organize more group counseling sessions in the future, such as women’s self care retreats. With the lessons learned from her accident, Terry aims to equip people with the knowledge and skills of wellness so they can live all-around healthy lives. “The most rewarding thing is seeing people change—being free of something that used to confine them and just watching them blossom into their full potential,” Terry said. “Counseling gave that to me when I was going through my accident, so if I can offer that back in any way, that’s the greatest thing ever.”
Anndrea Terry, MA, LPC, NCC, RYT
Click here to learn more about Anndrea or to schedule an appointment.
The Mental Wellness Counseling “Meet the Counselors” series offers a deeper look into each counselor’s background, experiences, motivations, values, and philosophies. In this series, I put counselors on the couch to learn why and how they do what they do.
Q: What has been your most impactful work experience?
A: I worked on a crisis line at Third Level Crisis Center. I was able to develop the unique skill of phone counseling. I didn’t know who the person was and I couldn’t see or interact with them. There was a lot of silence in between and at times, it was very intense. I typically counseled those struggling with suicidal ideation, self harm, and those who were in need of immediate help. It was really impactful, and a great learning experience.
Q: How did you first get interested in your particular field?
A: I’ve found this passion for women and women’s health. Most of my clients are young women who struggle with depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. Unfortunately, I’ve found that it is really common for women to struggle with depression and anxiety. Society has different expectations of women, and women need someone to talk to. During one’s teenage years when identities start to form, it is crucial to develop positive self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, and body image. It’s really important for women to develop a healthy mindset and healthy life physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Q: What is the most challenging aspect of your work?
A: Not taking the work home at times. When you’re with someone and they’re sharing a hardship, in that personal space with them, it can be hard not to take it home. If you don’t engage in self-care and find healthy ways to cope, it can all build up and start to really affect you. I try to keep a healthy work-life balance, but it’s challenging because I care about my clients and their struggles. Self-care is key. It’s something I’m continuously working on.
Q: Is there anything you wish you had realized about this profession before you started?
A: How helpful it is to take care of yourself. To work in the mental health field, you have to be able to take care of yourself or burnout is just inevitable. As a new counselor, you know you’re going to hear people’s stories and struggles, but I don’t think you really understand how heavy that can weigh on a person. It can be so easy to take on their pain. Some people are more prone to it than others, but the people who are prone to it are probably are in this field. That’s why we’re in this field, because we care about people and want to help and make a difference.
Q: What is the most important characteristic of a counselor?
A: I think that having integrity and being genuine are very important. Clients are looking for someone they can trust, someone who they can feel comfortable around, and relate to. If you don’t have good rapport with a client, you’re not going to have a good therapeutic relationship.
Q: What innovative, new ideas have you or would you like to employ in your practice?
A: I look at the person holistically. Nutrition is also definitely an interest of mine. I’ve found it helpful in my personal life and also in the lives of the clients I serve. There are so many mental health benefits that nutrition and a healthy diet can offer. Certain foods can greatly affect one’s mood, mental stability, anxiety levels, etc. Also, if one isn’t eating, that’s going to affect one’s mood, too. I have plans to incorporate nutrition into my practice more.
Tarah K. Elhardan, MA, LLPC
Click here to learn more about Tarah or to schedule an appointment.
More often than not, when clients enter my office that are struggling with anxiety, they have immediate need for relief and long term plans to gain coping strategies.
Numerous life situations have, in many cases, added up and created the environment for potential relapse back into old patterns for the use of substances and other addictive behaviors to numb and avoid.
At times, it is too easy to fall back into short term behaviors that work in short run but can lead into long term disasters.
When I was working in an inpatient recovery house, the difference between the safe environment of the house versus the outside world was enormous.
Clients would be afraid to walk outside the walls of the house for fear that the worries, stressors and fears would be waiting for them the moment they stepped outside.
They did not want to relapse, but the pull at times of the outside world was too much and a safety plan versus the immediate gratification of the old addiction was too much to handle. Anxiety and worry sit in and take over their lives once again.
“It was one of those days when I was thinking too much, too fast. Only it was more like the thoughts had a mind of their own and going all by themselves at a hundred miles a second, and I was just sitting back, feeling the growing paranoia inside of me.”
Sasha Mizaree
Coping Mechanisms Short-Term
When an individual begins to feel the anxiety of stressful situations, there are ways of temporarily relieving the physical reactions–Band-Aids if you will:
Deep breathing – take three deep, full, conscious breaths whenever you need to.
Breaks – a quick nap, snack, reading, walk or drive; a bath/shower/sauna; an exercise break (yoga/stretching); movie/DVD/TV; connect with a friend (email/call/text).
Healthy Venting – no obsessing, righteous justification or a pity-party!
Visualizations – e.g. visualize a peaceful scene (combine this with deep breathing).
Gratefulness – recite to yourself a few things you are grateful for despite what might be lacking in your life at this time.
Get honest – be honest – with yourself first and foremost. Admitting a difficult truth should bring immediate relief (especially if you’ve been avoiding/resisting it).
Separate what you can change from what you can’t – (and focus on the former, not the latter!)
“Keep your eye on the prize” – pick your battles (wisely)…pace yourself.
Reducing Stress – Prevention
The following items take longer to learn, but are fruitful to create longer-term programs combating stressful, worry filled situations. It is best to understand ways of preventing the feeling of anxiety to formulate in the first place:
Make a list of the “warning” signs – of your stress before it gets out of hand.
Prepare for a particularly stressful situation – ahead of time if possible.
Take responsibility -”own up to” your own limitations, unhealthy biases.
Expand your roles – i.e. don’t get stuck in one role e.g. achiever/perfectionist/caretaker/rescuer/, comedian, rebel, wallflower; controller.
Learn to set boundaries – learn to say “no;” learn to be assertive
Resolve old issues – (old baggage) i.e. resentments, trust issues; intimacy issues; chronic low self-esteem; fears of abandonment; strong inner critic.
Learn to recognize your limits
Learn to live your own life; let others live their own lives
Learn to risk saying what it is you want/need from life – others and yourself (keep it “reasonable”, focus on 60% on your needs and 40% of your wants.
Consistently “let go” of things you cannot control.
Don’t get stuck in either/or thinking – for example – not either I do a good job or forget it…either you’re for me or against me but I both do my best and it’s not perfection…you are both supportive of me (in certain areas) and critical of me (in other areas).
Challenge unreasonable expectations – desires, demands, standards, etc.
Clarify your goals – one-year plan, three-year plan,five-year plan; take “baby steps”
Learn meditation/mindfulness practices
Learn good time management skills and good financial management skills.
Conclusions
The more in tune with ourselves, the better off we are to combat the fears and anxieties of life that can, if allowed, paralyze the soul or worse yet, involve ourselves in unhealthy ways of coping (substance abuse etc.)
We so many times in life take for granted how we feel rather than taking the time to examine the underlining causes of our feelings.
Many who I have worked with in substance abuse recovery struggle with the easier coping mechanisms such as submitting to a relapse rather than the daunting task of struggling with what they suggest are demons within their soul.
Anxiety, worry and stress can be regarded as the norm rather than something to be met head on and over the course of time, to understand and mediate to manageable levels.
“I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal — and soon they’ll forget my number.”
Edith Armstrong
Steve Greenman, MA, LPC, NCC | Thoughtful Experience
Act in the Moment– Do one thing at a time. During the holidays there is so much to get done and it can feel very overwhelming. By putting all of your energy into one task it is more likely that you will complete it. Tackling the tasks one by one is most efficient and least stressful.
Anticipate Challenges and Prepare- Is there one relative that you don’t get along with? Is there one activity that you always avoid? You are not alone. Everyone has something or someone that they do not look forward to. By identifying and becoming aware of your challenges, you can learn how to best prepare for them. Having an action plan will allow you to feel ready so that you can enjoy the holidays with those you care about the most.
Say YES to Yourself- You may be feeling pulled in every direction. With so much to do and so little time, it is important to remember to schedule some “me” time. Make you your first priority so that you can help others and get ready for the holidays.
Reconnect with Old and Establish New Traditions- Organize an event that you used to engage in during your childhood or make a new tradition to start with your family. Research has shown that experiences increase happiness more than material items.
Engage Purposefully- Find a purpose in everything that you are doing. Having a purpose makes everything feel meaningful and worthwhile. Do and say things with a purpose. It will bring more satisfaction during the what can be, stressful holiday season.
Sleep- Without sleep, there is a life filled with stress, irritability and a lack of energy. Rest up so that you can fully enjoy this holiday season.
Breathe- From the beginning of November to the day after the New Year, it is go-go-go. Focus on your breath and remember to breathe. Basic breathing exercises and yoga can be very helpful to lessen the stress of the holiday season.
Find Meaning- What is the holiday season all about? Is it about reconnecting with old friends and loved ones? Is it about donating your time and giving to those in need? Where you find meaning, you will find life this holiday season.
Act Your Way to a New Feeling- It is so easy to say that you will start eating healthier or, take up running when you feel better, but who knows when that time will come? It is actually more likely that you will start feeling the way you want to when you engage in those activities.
Remember that it is Only Temporary- The holidays come once a year and if it is something that your truly dread, remember that it will soon be over. You will get through it.
Remember that it is Only Temporary- The holidays come once a year and if it is something that your truly dread, remember that it will soon be over. You will get through it.
Tarah Elhardan, MA, LLPC is a counselor at the Traverse City counseling practice, Mental Wellness Counseling. She is especially interested in holistic approaches to counseling, anxiety, and helping women to overcome self esteem issues.
That phrase, “I just felt it in my gut,” might be true after all.
Researchers are now finding that what we eat actually has a profound biological effect on our mood. It’s because we’re feeding a bunch of microbe in our body. They react to what we eat. In fact, they out number our cells 10:1. In fact, they may be more in control of us that we ever thought possible!
Sleep is when our brains organize what has happened. Most adults need at least 7 hours of sleep. People/kids in school need 8-10 hours to appropriately categorize what they have learned.
Less sleep = More anxiety/depression/academic failure
Don’t have a TV in your bedroom, it stimulates your brain to think it is morning and makes your brain want to be awake in bed
Turn off screens 30 minutes before bed, it’s like looking at the sun and wondering why you are awake
Keep a notepad next to your bed to write down ideas/to-do list, it frees up your brain
Go to bed and wake up around the same time every day
Mental Wellness Parenting | A remarkably simple approach to making parenting easier
From Mental Wellness Parenting | A remarkably simple approach to making parenting easier:
Control vs. Voice
So how do we use this new information about guiding our kids to help them change their behavior? Ultimately, you have no control over your child. They make decisions every day. They are their own persons.
Webster’s defines “control” as: “To exercise restraining or directing influence over. To have power over. Reduce the incidence or severity of especially to innocuous levels <control an insect population> <control a disease>”
The part of this definition that I like is the “directing influence over”. I would argue that this comes less from control and more from having a voice in your child’s life.
One of Webster’s definitions of “voice” is, “wish, choice, or opinion openly or formally expressed.” So to have a “voice” in your child’s life is for your wishes, choices, and opinions to somehow take root in them.
Think about who has a voice in your life. Who can say to you, “Here is my opinion” and you consider it?
Is it your mom?
Dad?
Best friend?
Wife or husband or significant other?
How did they gain that voice in your life? Did they do something? Did they act a certain way? Is it because you have seen how they live their life and you respect that? Do you aspire to be like them or certain parts of them? What is it that allows them to have that voice, not control, in your life?
I believe that it is trust. They somehow built trust in you. Building a voice comes from trust. For kids, that trust comes from three specific things. To build trust as parents we must demonstrate:
Consistency and love
Set an example
Spur something in our children that brings life
Consistency and Love
In future chapters I will discuss more in-depth what this looks like and ways that you can increase consistency and demonstrate your love. One definition of “consistency” is “agreement or harmony of parts or features to one another or a whole.”
To be a consistent parent, you have to have harmony in what you do. What does this mean? It means that it is better to say nothing at all, rather than a false promise. By false promise I mean not following through on things you say. If you give a warning to a child regarding their behavior, then follow through.
When you start thinking this way, two things will happen inside of you. First, you will slow down the frequency of threats that you make because you know that you need to follow through. Also, you will evaluate the intensity of threats.
One thing about threats: they don’t work.
Threats don’t work
Why don’t threats work? Think about it this way. Your boss keeps coming in your office for two weeks reminding you of a date that a report is due. She says, “If it’s not on my desk on November 12th, then I’m writing you up.” November 12 comes and goes, you had some crazy things happen in your family and you just couldn’t get it done.
Then in January she does the same thing for the report due January 29th. Again you miss the mark and it comes and goes, yet no write up. Imagine this happened over 18 years in the company. Sometimes she does write you up sometimes she doesn’t.
Now imagine a different scenario. At a staff meeting she announces that reports need to be timely. To try and help the staff keep it in their mind, if the November 12th report is in on time you will get an overnight at the hotel of your choice and if not, then you will be written up.
No more reminders.
Then she does what she says.
Often parents believe that they have a voice in their child’s life and that is enough, but really a voice is earned through consistency. Your action of giving positive or negative consequences will speak more than anything you could say ahead of time or threaten.
Even when threats do seem to work, it is usually not based on building a long-term voice in your child’s life.
The second part of this is building love. I trust that you love your child deeply; otherwise you would not be reading this book. So it is not how to build your love for your child that is the issue, it is how do children receive love?
Consistency in parenting helps kids feel safe. If you are about to manage a child in a grocery store and help her choose good choices there, then you can definitely take on any monster, bad dream, bully, and tornado. Kids fear all sorts of things.
A psychologist named Maslow created what he called the “Hierarchy of Needs”. His belief was that if basic needs are not met is it is harder or impossible to work toward higher needs. Thus, if safety needs of security aren’t met, it is harder to build feelings of love and belonging.
I had a client recently who had her apartment broken into. She was staying up all night because she was scared someone would break in, then she was sleeping during the day, but her classes were slipping. Her feelings of lack of safety made it harder for her to do more complex thinking like that which is required in school.
The same is true for kids, as they see that you can handle a variety of situations, they will trust that you can protect them…
Even parents need reminders. Sometimes it’s easy to just get in the routine of parenting. Although Valentine’s Day is often for lovers, we love our kids! It is a special day to share with them just how much they mean to you. Here are a few tips and ideas.
Take them out for breakfast.
Give them 14 extra hugs.
Make a list of everything that they are doing right, read it to them at breakfast.
Treat their mother or father well, even if they are a jerk.
Have one-on-one time with them.
Play a family game.
Make their favorite meal for dinner.
Plan a family outing, go for a hike, or explore something new.
Do a craft together and then give it to someone special in their life, let them pick the person.
Read an extra book at bedtime, even if you are really tired.
Be home when they are home.
Make a list of what they have taught you and read it to them.
Do something playful that uses energy like playing in the snow.
Redirect your own frustrations and anger and respond as graceful as possible to situations.
In 9th grade, the school counselor brought me and several other students into her office. She informed us that a peer had committed suicide. Later, the entire school was informed. It is devastating to get that type of news. Every 15 minutes another family, friend, and school deal with news of a suicide.
This coming week is Suicide Prevention Week. Often people think that the issue of suicide prevention is only for mental health professionals, but sometime in each of our lives we will probably have it touch us. Here are a few things that every person should know to help a friend, family member, or co-worker.
If you are concerned, ask
Asking a person if they are suicidal is the best first step. When a person is dealing with intense emotions, friends often feel uncomfortable asking about suicide. However, a direct question from a friend or family member is shown to reduce the risk of suicide.
Understand more about suicide
For a number of years, San Francisco has employed interviewers to speak with people who have jumped from the Bay Bridge and survived. One thing that an overwhelming majority report is that during their fall, they regretted the decision and hoped to live. These individuals often became advocates for suicide prevention. Further, research continues to support that suicidal feelings often last only hours, but return if help is not sought.
Know resources
Knowing that you can ask about suicide and that it is often a short-term feeling, getting a friend help is a great first step. Third Level Crisis Center (231-922-4800) is a 24/7 resource. Also, supporting the individual through counseling and being a friend is the best role that you can have.
When we as a community work together to help those that are struggling, when we ask, understand, and refer, it can help reduce suicide. Each one of us can use our relationships and unique roles to be a part of a more healthy community.
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is owner and a counselor with Mental Wellness Counseling. He is hosting a free Suicide Prevention Wine Party with NMC Student Life and Lake Side Counseling on Sept 12 at 5:00 at Left Foot Charley. Visit www.mentalwellnesscounseling.com/wine for more details.
Photo used with Creative Commons, thank you Robert S. Donovan
A “helicopter parent” is a parent who hovers over their child, waiting to catch them before they skin their knee. “Helicopter Parents” schedule, plan, and create a world for their children. They are usually highly involved and deep down want the best for their kids. They are often high achievers or wish they had been high achievers. “Helicopter Parents” also are usually highly involved in their kid’s education, after-school activities, and social lives. Overall, they have great intentions. I may even end up being one, in some area intentionally and in others unintentionally.
The hardest transitions for “helicopter parents” are to stop when they are tired and to allow age-appropriate freedoms. Are you one of these parents?
When you’re sick of flying
When these parents are frustrated with their kids, it is often because they don’t want them to fail. They have a difficult time with skinned knees and broken hearts. They have created a dynamic where they are the safety nets for their children, rather than teaching them how to create their own nets.
This typically creates a dynamic where the parent is blamed for the child’s mistakes. Both the parent and child think that it is mom or dad’s responsibility to get homework done, wake up on time, and not be “bored.” Yet, ultimately, we each are responsible for changing our lives toward what we want.
So how do you land the helicopter?
Daddy needs a drink
When was the last time you took a bath without interruption? What about sitting outside and enjoying the evening? Time with friends without looking at your phone for texts from your kids?
Sometimes, a parent needs to just step back and let the kids experience natural consequences. Whether it is a teen waking up late for work or kids sorting out who gets to play the game system, stepping back will often show you what you kids are capable of. Usually, the worst case scenario is not that bad and the best case is that they will increase their abilities to be responsible.
But they’re not old enough
Every single generation does it. They think they are so dang special. In counseling sessions or even with friends, I’ll ask, “What did you do when you were (insert age here)?” Almost universally friends and client respond, “I did some inapropriate behavior but…
“…it was different in the 60s, 70s, or 80s.”
“…things were safer.”
“…we didn’t have the internet.”
But parents weren’t thinking that then. They were thinking the same thing that parents are thinking now. When we’re a kid, we are oblivious to the dangers, consequences, and ways of the world. How did we learn? Was it when mom said, “No” or was it when we tried it out and formed our own conculsions?
Now I’m not saying take a step back and let “Lord of the Flies” occur in your household. Otherwise, you may come see me in counseling for something else. The main goal is to transition toward the empty nest not to have it be a sudden change.
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a licensed therapist and counseling in Traverse City, MI where he owns Mental Wellness Counseling. He once flew in a helicopter in Nepal, it was a lot of fun.
I have seen many a friendship and marriage fail because of opposite gender friends. What happens when you have a great opposite gender friend and you get married? What about friends that you make after marriage that are opposite of your gender?
A marriage is built on trust, love, and the ability to grow together over time.
At the core of this issue are healthy communication, openness, and realizing that you made a lifelong commitment to your spouse.
Each couple has to decide their own levels of comfort, but here are a few discussion points that seem to help.
More time together in groups
Time together in groups, whether as a group of three or larger, helps the friend and the spouse get to know one another. As well, it sends a message that the primary relationship is the marriage. Within these types of settings the friendship does shift, but it also sets a boundary of intimacy with the opposite gender friend, spouse, and to oneself.
Be open about alone time
When I have meetings with opposite gender professionals, I let my wife know about it. If a friend of hers saw me out with another woman and then talked to her, it may raise unnecessary internal or external questions for my wife. Seeking to avoid even the appearance of questions can build trust. Even though my intentions are professional, within a marriage couples are often combating their own internal dialog as well as the actual discussion that occurs. The same is true of opposite gender friends. Alone time should be discussed and agreed upon.
Be careful of depth
When someone is struggling in their marriage, they often discuss those issues with someone. Sometimes lamenting and complaining about a relationship is a way to verbally sort out thoughts.
However, when this is with an opposite gender friend, it can complicate the relationship.
The friend wants to support their friend, while also needing to respect boundaries that have been established.
As well, intimacy with that supportive person can lead to an emotional connection that distances spouses from one another.
Other’s intentions within a relationship cover the map of possibilities. That is why it is important for spouses to discuss their levels of comfort.
The biggest errors occur when friends unintentionally or intentionally start to take on roles that are primarily the spouse’s.
Joseph R. Sanok is a licensed counselor and owns Mental Wellness Counseling. He works with family issues and enjoys innovative projects such as family therapy on a sailboat.
Photo used with Creative Commons thanks to jessi.bryan
My grandma had a sleep mask. You know the kind that blocks out light? Hers was pink. I always thought it looked stupid. Then my wife gave me one last December, except mine is brown and black. When I got it, I thought, “Am I ever going to use this except on an airplane?”
Every morning when the light smacks me in the face at five something, I now put it on and have a glorious last hour of sleep. I love it.
We all know how important sleep is for kids. If they don’t get their naps they are cranky and everyone in earshot knows. We underestimate the importance of solid sleep for adults. Here are some things you should know:
Sleep is tied to mental wellness
Did you know that poor quality sleep is tied to anxiety, depression, attention, mood swings, panic attacks and self esteem? If you are fighting with your kids, spouse, or friends, feeling frustrated, or just anxious, maybe it isn’t medications that you need. Maybe you need more sleep.
Sleep is tied to memory
During the day our brains store most information in a short-term part of our brain. At night, the brain sorts through what is important and what is not. Everything from the color of your boss’s shirt to that marketing report gets sorted to keep or delete. If not given enough time to sort, the brain hits the delete button. Things you understood yesterday will be harder to recall.
Sleep can improve with a few simple changes
Going to bed and waking up at similar times can improve your body’s ability to get deeper and better quality sleep. As well, increasing exercise, time outside, and eating more fruits and vegetables will help. Eliminating caffeine in the evening and drinking more water can help unclog the sleep center of your brain.
Sometimes we make our lives more complicated than they need to be. What if all you need is a little more sleep? It could be the key to improving the relationships in your life, even if all it takes is a pink sleep mask.
Joseph R. Sanok is a licensed counselor and owner at Mental Wellness Counseling. He helps angry kids, frustrated parents, distant couples “¦ and just about everyone else. Check out his “Happiness Resources” at www.mentalwellnesscounseling.com/resources/happiness/.
Photo used with Creative Commons license, care of blue.sky
I haven’t told everyone, but I have told a lot of people, my daughter was recently in the hospital for a week. It was something fairly severe and we’re now in recovery mode. Here are some things that I wrote down the night that her surgery was over and things were stable. Maybe you will resonate with these things, maybe you don’t think your reaction would be the same. Either way, I hope it inspires you to build deeper relationships, appreciate family more, or reach out to those in your life that are hurting.
1. Our network of friends and family is much larger in size and heart than I ever knew possible.
2. I can handle much more than I ever thought possible.
3. I can be annoyed with someone and have a deep appreciation for them at the same time.
4. I need to appreciate every single day that there is not a health crisis in my family.
5. I don’t need to work harder so I can have more time with my daughter, I just need to make the time.
6. My wife is much stronger than I imagined.
7. My daughter is much stronger than I ever thought a kid could be.
8. I can still trust God even when I am angry, hate, or don’t understand Him and His decisions about healing.
9. Overall, people want to do good.
10. Humankind knows a lot more about the human body than I ever imagined.
11. I really love family and friends.
12. Food heals where words can’t.
13. Sitting with someone means a lot.
14. Facebook is a great tool in a family crisis.
15. Even though I hate McDonald’s, I love the Ronald McDonald House.
I’m not sure what you will glean from this, but I hope it serves you wherever you are at.
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a counselor, therapist, psychologist, and overall helper of people in Traverse City, MI. He has professional experience working with Community Mental Health, residential facilities, foster care, and private practice. As well, he is the author of the book “Practice of the Practice: Basics for Launching Your Private Practice” due to be released in June 2012. He is a frequent speaker and writer locally in Traverse City, Michigan, and nationally.
I can’t slow down. I need this article more than anyone. I have a baby, house, job, private practice ” the list goes on and on. I bet your list is similar. There is always a reason why I can’t slow down.
I went to the U.P. this past weekend. I sat and drank coffee, looked out at the morning water, and read a magazine. Why is it that when we get away from town, we let ourselves relax? These are three things that are starting to work for me (I’m not there yet).
Put it in the schedule
Did you know that 15 minutes is 1 percent of your day? I think we actually have time to relax for 15 minutes, we just don’t make the time. If something is written down, we’re more likely to follow through. Plan to relax.
Get out
When we are in our homes, we see the laundry, cleaning and opportunities to not relax. Planning time out of our house clears our mind and gives us permission to forget about the struggles for a space of time. Get away from your house.
Drag it out
When I do errands, I fight for the closest parking spot, hurry in, hurry out and run back home. There have been times when we have gone to the farmers market and parked a few blocks away. We strolled, looked at the river, and we didn’t hurry home. Drag out the time that you are out and about.
But why should we slow down? Shouldn’t we be more efficient and productive? Yes, this is true. There are times during the week that productivity and efficiency are of value. Yet, if we make it a lifestyle, we increase our stress, which can lead to a lower quality of sleep, which increases anxiety and depression, while lowering our quality of life.
When you step back, why are you in such a hurry and what is it doing to you? Try it for a day and see if makes you feel better.
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a counselor, therapist, psychologist, and overall helper of people in Traverse City, MI. He has professional experience working with Community Mental Health, residential facilities, foster care, and private practice. As well, he is the author of the book “Practice of the Practice: Basics for Launching Your Private Practice” due to be released in June 2012. He is a frequent speaker and writer locally in Traverse City, Michigan, and nationally.
You never really appreciate a life of normality until crisis hits. Our family has been through a number of things lately: a death, a major medical issue, and close friends having their own crisis. It is amazing how it seems that high profile events bring out people’s true social skills.
I learned through experience what not to say when someone is in crisis. It was several years ago. I heard that a friend of mine’s parents had got divorced. I was close to my friend, but not to his parents. During a large festival in our town, I ran into the mom and said, “I’m so sorry to hear about you and _______.” It seemed to be the right thing to say. She broke down crying in the middle of the festival.
I felt terrible, I didn’t know how to leave, and I regretted saying anything. After that I was fairly gun-shy. When I heard that people had a miscarriage, death, or sickness, I didn’t know what to say. So I just watched from a distance. Now that I am going through my own experiences, I feel that I have an understanding of what has worked and not worked for me.
Food
Do
Make or bring food. It allows the family to focus on one another, rather than shopping, cooking, and cleaning.
Try and make something they can freeze or bring it frozen. If others are bringing food they can pull it out when the time works for them.
If you can, use things you don’t need back like Tupperware, something disposable, or a pan you don’t care about. Tell them, “Don’t worry about getting the pan back to me.”
Don’t
Don’t expect to hang out with the family long.
Don’t just show up, call and ask if there is a convenient time.
Talking
Do
Empathize with the family. Our friends that have said, “That must be hell” “I can’t imagine going through that” and “When will the universe stop shi**ing on the Sanok’s?” have been some of the most helpful comments. It makes us feel less crazy, like our feelings are normal.
Let the family or person do the talking. Saying, “If you don’t feel like talking about it, that’s ok, but how are you doing?” This is helpful because it is nice to be given permission to blow someone off and stay quiet, yet invited to talk.
Don’t
Don’t offer suggestions unless you are asked. If people are dealing with medical issues, they probably are consulting with the doctors. If they are going through a death, their closest friends will probably know what/when to suggest therapy. In general, suggestions make people feel like you want to solve their problems and make them move through their grief, rather than be with them.
Expectations
Do
Expect that your relationship will be different for a while. They may see you more or less. They may want to sit at home and drink beer. Who knows how they will react? They may not want to talk. Realize that people handle crisis very differently and the way they react can differ too. The best thing for you to do is to carry the relationship for the both of you during this time.
Don’t
Don’t get offended when they focus on something other than your relationship. If you do get offended, don’t show it. Months later if it is still bothering you, you can talk with that person. People don’t need to think about the dynamics of your relationship as well as their crisis.
Don’t worry about spending too much or too little time with them. Ask them if it would be helpful to come over. Most people will tell you what works if you ask in a direct way.
Don’t say, “Call us if you need anything.” Say something more specific like, “Would it be helpful if we had you over for dinner? We’d love to have you, but you can totally say ‘no’.” Sometimes what people need is awkward to ask for like a gas card. Rather than ask, “What do you need?” say something like, “Here’s a gas card/meal/hug if it would help.” By giving the person an out and being specific, it helps to give them the power and control, when life seems out of control.
Depending on which side of the crisis you are (going through it or supporting through it) everyone should realize that you are lucky to have one another. As someone going through life issues, I am so thankful for people saying and doing something, even if they fumble through it. Despite the missteps some have taken, we have realized that it is all done out of love and care for us, which is absolutely wonderful to have in our life.
I would much rather have someone awkwardly try and console me, than to remain quiet out of fear…and then go through a crisis alone. Even if you don’t do all the “dos” or you accidentally do some of the “don’ts” it is ok. Just do your best.
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a counselor, therapist, psychologist, and overall helper of people in Traverse City, MI. He has professional experience working with Community Mental Health, residential facilities, foster care, and private practice. As well, he is the author of the book “Practice of the Practice: Basics for Launching Your Private Practice” due to be released in June 2012. He is a frequent speaker and writer locally in Traverse City, Michigan, and nationally.
Ask Joe
Think “Dear Abby” for a new generation. Each newsletter I will select one or more questions to answer. So if you have a parenting or mental wellness question, please send it my way. I’m sure others have the same question and could benefit. sanokcounseling@gmail.com
Dear Joe,
What are some approaches to improving bed time routines for my kids? They are 9, 12, and 13.
-I Need a Break, Kalamazoo, MI
Dear I Need a Break,
First start with their ages and how much time they need to sleep. Depending on their wake-up and bus times most 9 year old should be in bed between 8:00-9:00, however, since you have two old kids you may want to have the 9-year-old have and 8:30, 12-year-old 8:45, and 13-year-old 9:00. Until high school, most kids should go to bed prior to 9:30. Once you determine the times that you want, stick to them. Start the bed time routine at least 15 minutes before, that means no TV for the 15-30 minutes before bed.
One technique that seems to work well is the have weekend bedtimes based on weeknight compliance. For example, “If you go to bed at 8:30 during the week for 3 nights, your weekend bedtime is 8:45, 4 nights 9:00, all 5 nights 9:30.” This provides a clear positive consequence for the desired behavior. Some families create charts to keep track. Also, tying their behavior to the social skill of “building trust” can help. For example, “Thanks for being in bed on time. By doing that, you are showing me that I can trust you to do what you need to do.” Then, when they ask if they can do something, you can say, “You know, you have done a great job building trust at bedtime, sure you can go to the store with your friend.”
Give those strategies a whirl and let me know how it goes.
I hope that helps.
-Joe
Have a question for Joe? Email him and ask, what’s stopping you? Really, you know you want to: Click here to ASK JOE
Blah in Our Brains By Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC
I hate the time change. I don’t understand why during the darkest part of the year, we make it darker. I would much rather have it stay dark until 10:00 am and have light in the evening. But maybe that’s just me. This time of year triggers in people a sense of fatigue, sadness, depression, and feelings of blah. Whether you deal with clinical depression, seasonal affective disorder, or feelings of blah, there are several things you can do that will help you feel better.
Get More Light
Even when it is light outside, it seems to still be cloudy in Northern Michigan. A window usually is not enough. Regular lights do not capture the full light spectrum. They usually only have the blues and violets. Getting outside and sitting by a window will help, but changing some of your bulbs in your office or home to full-spectrum light bulbs can really help. A number of studies have shown that full-spectrum light can help with depression, sadness, and the feelings of blah (blah is not a clinical term used in research studies). Bulbs usually run $14-$24 dollars, a lot cheaper than therapy.
Get More Exercise
Exercise releases natural endorphins in your body. I was at the University of Michigan Depression Conference last year and one speaker was discussing how some studies are showing that exercise paired with counseling can be more effective than psychiatric medication. Even a short walk or taking the stairs can be helpful.
Get More Veggies
Fruits and vegetables can help with replenishing the body’s nutrients. Loads of colors in your diet are helpful. A diet of reduced processed foods helps to make the brain more receptive to light and exercise during the winter months. WedMD has a number of helpful nutrition suggestions,http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/diet-recovery
Get More Socialization
When I work with clients dealing with depression they often get into a cycle of alone time. They don’t feel like going out or doing anything which makes them feel like they don’t want to go out and do anything. During winter months we often feel like we want to hunker down and stay home. Socialization and new activities help us free up the blah in our brain.
Once you try these tips, you will hopefully see changes. With that said, you also need to know when to talk with your health care provider about pursuing additional options.
As with any change, it is better to start small and make little changes that you can do. Maybe for you a step would be to change a light bulb, go for a daily walk, eat broccoli again, or plan a potluck with friends or family. The hardest part is taking a step in the right direction, after that you will pick up momentum and have a blah-free winter.
Resources
University of Michigan has a great set of resources called The Depression Tool Kit. There are videos, worksheets, and tons of resources. Check it out, it will help you and/or the people you work with! http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/
That’s it for now. Do good to others and keep in touch!
-Joe
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a counselor, therapist, psychologist, and overall helper of people in Traverse City, MI. He has professional experience working with Community Mental Health, residential facilities, foster care, and private practice. As well, he is the author of the book “Practice of the Practice: Basics for Launching Your Private Practice” due to be released in June 2012. He is a frequent speaker and writer locally in Traverse City, Michigan, and nationally.
Ask Joe
Think “Dear Abby” for a new generation. Each newsletter I will select one or more questions to answer. So if you have a parenting or mental wellness question, please send it my way. I’m sure others have the same question and could benefit. joe@mentalwellnesscounseling.com Dear Joe,
There is so much in the news these days about sexual orientation and tolerance in schools and communities (anti-bullying, etc.) and I’ve seen videos about people who knew at a very young age that they were “different” but never know how to deal with it, or what it meant. How should a parent talk to a child about “being gay” if they suspect that their child may show signs of homosexuality? A parent wouldn’t want to frighten a child by insinuating this about them, but wants them to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what. How do you think such a conversation could go?
Please Help- Traverse City, MI
Dear Please Help,
Thanks for this question. Yes, this is a topic that many parents are concerned about. As well, we as a community need to look at this issue, especially because suicide amongst GLBTQ teens is shown to be higher. I think that there is a three-prong approach regarding the topic of homosexuality and talking with your kids.
1. Create an environment that is conducive to conversations about the issue. If someone in your home, on TV, or somewhere else says something like, “That’s so gay” meaning “That’s so stupid” correct them. As you work to create a home where it is safe to discuss these issues, it makes questions of homosexuality or really any difficult conversation easier for your child. No matter what your beliefs about homosexuality or faith perspective, you want your kids to be able to talk with you about the issues they are concerned about.
2. Engage in non-threatening conversation. There’s a reason that schools start with birds and bees before they teach kids the whole story. It helps kids learn the whole context of sexuality. As a result, it is also healthy to take this approach when there are gay characters on TV, movies, or in the headlines. For example, Traverse City just had a vote on an ordinance regarding GLBTQ issues surrounding employment and housing. Asking your kids about their thoughts on these types of things can be a non-threatening way to discuss the issue. Also, talking about characters in TV, what they are thinking, how they are acting, and what your kids think are important. Rather than just telling them what you think, tech them to think. Part of your role as a parent it to teach your child how to engage in the world as a thinking citizen.
At the heart of these discussions is that your kids should feel that they are being listened to. If your child tells their thoughts, only to be told that they are not correct, they will be less likely to ask you questions. Do you want them going to their friends instead? Who knows what kind of misinformation they may get. So make sure you are educated on the issue and if you are not sure, just tell your child, “I don’t know, but let’s research it together.”
3. Don’t press the issue. Once you have created a sound environment and showed that questions are ok, let you child make steps in their decisions as to how to express their sexuality. For them, they may need time to process their sexuality. Mentioning that you will always love them no matter what can be helpful, as long as it does not come out of no where, but in the context of a conversation. Some kids come out in high school, others college, others may be straight, but just are more effeminate. During this time of stepping back, educate yourself as much as you can.
I hope that helps.
-Joe
Have a question for Joe? Email him and ask, what’s stopping you? Really, you know you want to: Click here to ASK JOE
Setting a Good Example
From http://parenting.org/article/setting-good-example
We often hear the expression, “Children are like sponges,” uttered by parents, grandparents, educators and counselors. This phrase captures the reality that children are always learning from what they see and hear, and that the vast majority of what they learn comes from watching their parents. Parents can model a variety of behaviors to their children, including how to behave appropriately when angry. Role Modeling and Anger
Anger is a naturally occurring emotion that cannot be avoided. All kinds of circumstances can trigger it. Parents model for their children how, and how not, to manage anger every day. Parents teach their children to manage anger well when they remain calm, cool and collected even when they’re upset over a circumstance or behavior. Parents teach their children how to manage anger poorly when they yell, become aggressive, throw things, slam doors or swear in response to angry emotions.
Wherever you fall in the spectrum of being a good or poor manager of your anger, here are six valuable strategies that can help you improve your and your child’s behavior.
1. Make a list. Think about instances where you managed your anger well and times when you didn’t. Record when and where those times happened, and who and what tends to set you off.
2. Evaluate your behavior. Assess the reasons behind the times when you managed your anger well. Identify what helped you control your anger.
3. Assess your anger. Reflect on situations when you are likely to become angry and not manage your anger well. Determine if you tend to lose your temper at certain times of day, with certain people or in certain circumstances.
4. Watch yourself. Pay attention for a few days to how you act when you are angry or frustrated. Ask yourself if the behavior you display when you’re angry is something you want your child to imitate. Decide to practice good behavior and discontinue bad responses to anger.
5. Express yourself. Decide how you can express yourself better when you are angry. Think of and practice situations that typically make you angry. Then visualize yourself having a positive, rather than negative, response.
6. Communicate. Tell your child that you are working to manage your anger better. Apologize if you have mistreated him or her when you felt angry. Tell your child you will do your best to act differently in the future. Make a commitment to change.
Another good tactic is to ditch the age-old saying, “Do as I say and not as I do.” It doesn’t help you be a better parent and it doesn’t help your child grow into a responsible, successful adult. Understand that children most often copy what they see and not what they hear. Commit to being a positive role model for your child to imitate. Let your children see you manage your anger in a positive way by expressing it appropriately and calmly, without raising your voice or your hand. Doing so will speak louder than angry words ever could. Do you agree?
That’s it for now. Do good to others and keep in touch!
-Joe
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a counselor, therapist, psychologist, and overall helper of people in Traverse City, MI. He has professional experience working with Community Mental Health, residential facilities, foster care, and private practice. As well, he is the author of the book “Practice of the Practice: Basics for Launching Your Private Practice” due to be released in June 2012. He is a frequent speaker and writer locally in Traverse City, Michigan, and nationally.
Ask Joe
Think “Dear Abby” for a new generation. Each newsletter I will select one or more questions to answer. So if you have a parenting or mental wellness question, please send it my way. I’m sure others have the same question and could benefit. sanokcounseling@gmail.com
Dear Joe,
I have a toddler will not take naps. They are clearly tired but it is always a fight. Usually he falls asleep, but it is always a battle. Any suggestions?
-Tired Parent in Kalamazoo, MI
Dear Tired Parent,
There are a few factors to take into account. First you’ll want to watch for sleep signs and second you will want to monitor overall sleep patterns. Kids in the 0-5 range give a number of clues they are tired well before they are cranky. Our 5-month daughter will scratch her ears, rub her eyes, yawn, and just seem to be slowing down. As kids grow, they want to stay engaged so they fight the body’s natural slow down. We as parents need to be asking ourselves if they are slowing down or waking up? If they are slowing down, we need to reduce stimuli and make it easier to transition into sleep. Some parents are fearful of stopping a TV show or activity if they see sleep signs. But this is a very important step. Imagine if your child was extremely hungry, you would try and give them a snack. Sleep is the same kind of need.
Second, in the book and blog “Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Dr. Weissbluth (see www.weissbluthmethod.wordpress.com), he discusses how sleep perpetuates sleep. Therefore, if your child is going to bed too late, it will hurt nap time routines. Most kids need 12-14 hours of sleep. This isn’t just 0-5 year olds, older kids need 10-12 too! When the overall sleep plan is developed, while also looking at sleep signs, the nap time ritual should get easier.
-Joe
Have a question for Joe? Email him and ask, what’s stopping you? Really, you know you want to: Click here to ASK JOE
Where can today’s students go to learn how to make an app? That’s the question Thomas Suarez, a sixth-grader from suburban Los Angeles, asked himself after realizing that most of his peers like to play games and use apps, but schools don’t teach the basic programming skills needed to make them. So Suarez, who taught himself how to make apps using the iPhone software development kit—he created the anti-Justin Bieber, Whac-a-Mole-style game “Bustin Jieber”—decided to start an app club at school.
Suarez has been a technophile since kindergarten, and he already knows several programming languages. At a recent TEDx conference, he explained how students in the app club get the opportunity to learn and share their app making with each other. The club even asked the school’s teachers what kinds of apps they could use in the classroom and then set out to design them.
Why isn’t an app club standard fare at schools like French or drama clubs? It would allow students to learn both problem-solving skills and programming basics in a practical, fun way. Let’s hope Suarez’s app club idea spreads so that more kids can make the transition from app user to app developer. Do you agree?
Resources
Get some great free music through Groove Shark (www.grooveshark.com). It uses an online playlist, so it is not illegal. My daughter really likes Johnny Cash’s Children’s Albumn.
That’s it for now. Do good to others and keep in touch!
-Joe
Joseph R. Sanok, MA, LLP, LPC, NCC is a counselor, therapist, psychologist, and overall helper of people in Traverse City, MI. He has professional experience working with Community Mental Health, residential facilities, foster care, and private practice. As well, he is the author of the book “Practice of the Practice: Basics for Launching Your Private Practice” due to be released in June 2012. He is a frequent speaker and writer locally in Traverse City, Michigan, and nationally.
